the roots of indecision

5 months.

That's the length of time it takes to realize that you made some good choices, peppered in with some really bad ones. Sometimes these choices are total contradictions.

fighting squid demons

Every night for the past month, I fight demons in my sleep. The reoccurring themes are water, squids, Hellboy, and my hands burning.

I live in my house in these dreams, except the ocean starts where the pool is located. I have a huge boat that I take out everyday to fight squid demons. On occasion I get help from Hellboy, who apparently is a good friend of mine because I sometimes call him Rama.

Last night I had to save Brian. It started out in 7-11 where I was buying anchovies and slushies with Hellboy. We walked back to the house and we realized something was wrong. We found 2 small demons laughing and we questioned them until we found out there was going to be an attack. Brian was missing. I got in the boat and then fought a squid demon in a whirlpool. I went back to the house but still couldn't find Brian. Hours later I looked down into the ocean from our deck and he was floating in the water injured. Around him were electric pink squid babies. I ran down the stairs and was helped getting Brian in. I was able to grab a squid as it was trying to burrow into the land. It burned my hand but I couldn't let go. We had to find a shaman to cure my hand from the poison before it seeped into my womb.

I woke up with really hot hands.

First day: God creates light

First full day of unemployment.

I was totally worthless.

I actually debated on if I should shower or not. My achievement for the day was getting dressed. I was rather proud that I had pants on when the husband got home from work.

ONE WEEK OF TOTAL NON-DOING IS ALL I ASK FOR. I want to swim, not talk to people, wake up and sleep when I feel like it. I don't want to smile or be fake for one week. I want to be quiet. I want to read. I want to wear whatever, look however, maybe smell one day. I want to eat wherever and whatever I feel like. I want to use curse words in every sentence. Play with the dogs. This week is for me.

Next week however is a different story.

I have to go through 5+ years worth of working in retail clothes. I need to sell, donate destroy, reorganize A LOT of clothes. I want to learn to use my sewing machine finally so I can alter some and utilize the fabric. My ultimate goal is to make money through creation.

I need to get healthy. Not in that faux new-years-resolution way.

I have to sit down and map out a budget for us. The financial aspect is what worries me about my decision. I think we'll be in the red pretty fast. I wish people were still paid to donate blood. I'd do it. Do people get paid to run errands? I wouldn't mind that.

I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
-Lloyd Dobler

2 weeks

On the drive home Friday night, it really hit me that I'm leaving work. It's a very odd feeling. I'm happy to be done with a lot of the customers I have to deal with. I work in a mall that is plagued with ignorance, I'm not going to miss those people.

But what about the nice customers that I enjoy seeing; do I call them, send them a little note in the mail?

OR do I realize that I'm insignificant to them and they just want someone to help them pick out clothes.

When you think about it we are strangers to the people we deal with on a daily basis.

I try to be nice to this one teller at the bank I have to go to, but she doesn't care. It's almost as she would prefer me not to know her name and treat her as poorly as some of the people I have seen interact with her.

I might have social interaction issues, but at least I'm not a rude bitch.

giving the dog a pubey trim

With unemployment in 2 weeks, I've been wondering what I'm going to do for money.

Due to morals and a happy marriage, the very lucrative sex industry is out of the question.

I thought it'd be funny to be a dog washer. The only thing is I don't want to purge anal sacs.

What to do.

winters sinking ship

White floating mountains
coldest of the betrayals
jagged hidden waters kill.

Sad defamation
engraving your life's story
on titanic walls.

The great escape

Although it's not the wisest of decisions economically, I'm leaving my job. My life there was stale.

I felt like a miserable worker bee buzzing away for a queen that wasn't theirs. An impostor. I smiled the smile for long enough.

3 weeks is all I have left.

The anxiousness of not knowing what's next is making me itchy.